Dance Machine

"Dance Machine, watch me get down, watch me get down"....................................

We went to our next doctors appointment today for a Nuchal Translucency Test. Essentially they check to make sure your baby is not at risk for downs syndrome or other chromosomal disorders. They do this by taking blood and doing a sonogram. The sonogram is done so they can measure the amount of fluid in the baby's neck. Luckily, everything looked good on the sonogram and the blood tests came back showing a very miniscule chance of anything being wrong. We thought they would give us a yes or no answer, but they can only give you a ratio and our ratio was like one in over two hundred thousand. The fun part about this doctor appointment is that we get to see little B-Dub on the sonogram for an extended period of time and they videotape it for us.

Yeah, videotape. I didnt even know they made those anymore. I thought they have been retired to the technology heap along with 8-Tracks, Beta Cassettes, Video Discs, and horrible pauly shore movies (except for Encino Man, a quality cinematic masterpiece.............."San Dimas High Rules!"). Well, they have the ability to video tape your baby as part of the sonogram machine. Traci and I were not missing out on the first movie of little b-dub. The morning before the appointment, I went on a hunt to find the last remaining video cassette available. I first tried Wolf Camera. They had a 6 pack available. I bet they sell a ton of those. The only person that still buys that many video tapes must be Joe Bob to tape reruns of Hee Haw on his black and white TV with rabbit ears. Who the hell needs that many video tapes? So, on to the next store. I walk into CVS and ask the kid behind the desk if they sell single video tapes. He looked at me like I had two heads or if I just asked him to recite the Gettysburg address. I tried to explain that they go in VCRs and you can record shows. His response was, "Dude, we dont sell Tivos at CVS. Try Best Buy down the street." After rolling my eyes, I walked to the camera section and found a lone single video tape.........Jackpot!

The tech that conducted the sonogram was laughing at how I was stuggling to open the plastic shrink wrap. I cant stand that stuff, it is impossible to open! I guess Im not the only one who buys a tape right before the appointment because she said that it usually takes most of the 'Dads to be' about 5 minutes to get it open. After throwing the tape across the room a few times, dropping a few 'f bombs', and profusely sweating, I finally unwrapped the technological fossil. She put it in the machine and it was movie time.

It was amazing. You can see everything. The little one has fingers, toes, lips, everything. And, little b dub has my rythym. The baby was dancing all over Traci's belly. He or She showed us the moonwalk, some breakdancing , and disco moves that put John Travolta to shame. It is crazy and amazing to see. Of course, we couldnt wait to show our family our baby's first home movie and dance off. As soon as I can figure out how to put it up on You Tube, I will let everyone know so they can see it. The tech also informed us that the size of the baby puts the due date up to November 27th. We might get lucky and little b-dub might be born on my birthday. I cant wait and then we can both start training for 'Dancing with the Stars'.

How about Eugene?

Names, Names, Names. We have only been pregnant for 10 weeks and there is so much pressure to come up with a name for our kumquat. Seriously, it is now the size of a kumquat. I dont even know what a kumquat is, but thats my boy or girl! There is a website out there called babycenter.com. It is the literaly the online bible for pregnant women. One of the fun items they have on the website is a weekly email with the progress of your baby. Yes, this is also a website with one of those message boards that makes my pregnant wife even more paranoid than necessary. In this weeks email, our child is "barely the size of a kumquat" or about an inch or so long. Whatever this kumquat is, it is very small. Have you noticed I just like saying or typing kumquat.

Well, back to the original intent of this post. Coming up with a name for our child. For some of you who know my wife this will come as no surprise, but she likes to have things organized and planned way ahead of time. Im the opposite. The severe polar opposite! I was the guy in college that would start on the semester's 500 page paper the night before it was due. Not 7pm, but at 2am (after college's main activities) and type away till 4pm the next day when it was due and make it to class as it was letting out to turn my masterpiece in. My friends would make fun and laugh, but who was laughing when I still received the 'A' and was able to experience college for what it was really worth. Note to self - I have to change these ways when I become a Dad. I dont think I can get away with pulling an all nighter when our little kumquat needs a diaper change. Can you imagine a full day worth of baby's special fragrance permeating throughout the house - mmmmmmm refreshing.

So, I get a daily lecture on how we are never going to have a name and we need to get moving on it. She has even bought a book describing different names. Well, we have to worry about such things as how does the first name flow with the last or what the Monogram will be. Im serious. This book tells us that people with fun upbeat Monograms live 5.2 years longer than people with bad or average monograms. Who funds studies such as these? There are starving children in Africa and some moron with too much cash wanted to see if his initials were going effect his lifespan.

So, it would be a bit of an understatement to say that naming your child is a lot of responsibility. You are essentially branding your child for the rest of their life. The name you give them could cause serious bodily harm when they go to school or could leave them destined for the mailroom in corporate America, all because we thought "Eugene" was kicking it old school and we were going to bring it back from 1910. I can see it now, Me - "how was school today Eugene?" Eugene's answer - "It sucked, the kids gave me a wedgie and stole my lunch money. The teacher even continues to laugh when she calls on me in class, even though we are already half through the school year." My response - "Oh dont worry, you will laugh at this when you get older. You may be a nerd now but the nerds get all the broads and all the money later in life." Yeah, I bet that will help when he cries himself to sleep every night for the next 30 years of his life. No thanks.

So, we are coming up with lists, crossing names off, testing them with proposed middle names, thinking of every scenario and nickname possibility, making sure it is not like every other kid of their generation, doesnt match any serial killers, will work in corporate America as well as in Hollywood or Sports (yeah, like all of you didnt secretly wish your kid could make it big), and is something that they are happy with. It has to be a name that the child wont mind hearing repeatedly and in a raised voice because if they get any of my mischevious ways, they will hear their name screamed on a daily basis by their mom (oh yeah, by me too).

As we get closer, dont bother asking us what the name of our little kumquat (see, i snuck it in again. so much fun to say). We are not going to tell and we are keeping it a secret till the baby is born. It is going to be under lock and key, in Al Gore's 'lockbox', totally classified, on the 'DL', totally secret................. but I can guarantee you it wont be Eugene.

Going Undercover

Before you start reading this, start imagining the James Bond theme in your head...................................Got it, ok start reading.

When you are in the first trimester, you really are not supposed to tell anyone you are pregnant yet. This type of information is protected like a National Security Asset. We have told our immediate family but no one else. We used to be the couple that would call it when our friends or family were pregnant. At our age, there are definite giveaways (If only winning the lottery was this easy to predict) like when the wife of the couple used to be a wino and now is only drinking water when we go out to dinner or mysterious smells sends them running for the doors to get sick. Some other tell tale signs are the fact that their hair and skin seem different, or once prozac induced ultra happiness has now turned into moody and sometimes downright rude behavior, or their once ripped arms from working out every day are getting thicker and not so toned. Traci and I used to notice these differences and quietly snicker and call it to ourselves.

Well, well, well, the roles have been reversed, the tables have turned, the shoe is on the other foot...................you get the picture. Now we are the ones going "deep, deep, deep, deep" undercover. I will give you a breakdown of our clandestine activities to keep everything on the hush hush. First, like I said before we have to cover up the drinking. We have two ways of doing this. The first is a very elaborate ruse that involves necessary third parties. The poor waitress (collateral damage). When everyone at the table orders drinks, Traci makes sure to order a Vodka tonic. As soon as the waitress leaves the table with our order, I excuse myself to go to the bathroom. I then tell the waitress to switch the vodka tonic with a seven up or sprite. Mission Accomplished. The next tactic that we have in our arsenal is for Traci to order a glass of wine and I sip it throughout the night to make the level of wine go down and Traci pretends to drink. The next item of coverup is being sick all the time. This is not so easy to conceal. Luckily/unluckily my wife has chronic stomach issues (like every other person in Atlanta. I have never seen such a thing that everyone in this city has some type of stomach disorder. Must be our very clean air or the crystal clear water from the Chatahoochie River)............Instant excuse. The hardest thing to keep our cover is not slipping and telling people that "my wife has not been feeling good" or "she is sleeping a lot" or "the smell of my cologne now makes her want to vomit" when talking to friends or catching people up with what is going on in our lives. So, Traci has gone into hiding somewhat from the phone (she is in that same bunker with Cheney) and is trying to really watch what we say and do.

We are about to head into our 10th week and hopefully the naseau and "fun stuff" related to the pregnancy will start to taper off. Until then, I have my nightly martini (shaken not stirred) and I am on call to take out whoever slips information that is vital to "1st trimester security".